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I rue the day I invented the K-Cup: A soliloquy
You may have noticed a up to date interview in the Atlantic with John Sylvan, the inventor of the Keurig K-Cup single-serving coffee pod. Sylvan seems sorry for “People love convenience,” I said to myself, “but they're not MONSTERS.” I was so amiss
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You may have noticed a just out interview in the Atlantic with John Sylvan, the inventor of the Keurig K-Cup single-serving coffee pod . Sylvan seems sorry for what he has unleashed. He says things like “it’s not like sprinkle coffee is tough to make” and “I don’t have one” and “no matter what they say about recycling, those things will never be recyclable. They deserve translating. Sylvan: “I feel bad sometimes that I ever did it. ”. Conveyance: I’M SO SORRY. I’m so, so sorry. I came up with the K-Cup, sure, but I never imagined this. I never thought you’d actually say, “Yes. The ability to have coffee at the press of a button is worth STAMPING ON THE Mush OF THE EARTH WITH THE NON-RECYCLABLE EQUIVALENT OF AN IRON BOOT, FOREVER. I never dreamed that you’d actually create such demand for the accursed things that 9. 8 billion Keurig-brewed section packs would be sold last year. I should have guessed after the Snuggie became an actual popular thing that people bought that there were no depths to which you would not stoop. “People love convenience,” I said to myself. ) “People regard convenience,” I said to myself, “but they’re not MONSTERS. You’re maniacs. You’re blowing it all up. There are enough discarded K-Cups right now to circle Earth 10 or 12 times. That is an actual estimate I present in Mother Jones and the Atlantic recently , before tearing out a large handful of my hair and emitting a plaintive cry. Around Earth, 12 times. Like the Midgard Serpent, crushing us, until the assured Ragnarok, when K-Cups rain from the sky, the old gods die, and the plastics shall spare none of us. How can you face yourselves. You would coat this Earth in tiny plastic Abominations Before All That Is Holy, just in order that you can have a decaf Verdant Mountain blend in a medium-size cup without having to, God forbid, pour a single scoop of coffee grounds into a filter,... But it is not worth this, surely. Do you have knowledge of how indestructible these things are. They are made of four types of plastic. And you call it “Green Mountain”. At the rate you’re going, we’re going to have to cross out the words “Unripe” and replace them with “Covered In K-Cups So Its Original Hue Is No Longer Visible. Furthermore, what malevolent evangelist put Keurigs into EVERY CONFERENCE ROOM IN AMERICA. They’re everywhere I look. They crop up like weeds worn to before we covered every available surface on Earth with K-Cups and made it impossible for weeds to spring up. Weeds have been gentrified out of existence, and K-Cups have taken their place. Sylvan: “I don’t have one. Interpretation: No, I don’t own a Keurig. Of course I don’t own a Keurig. What would I want with a Keurig. The man who invented the guillotine did not have one in his living room. And that is what I have made. Replace “the necks of French aristocrats” with “this planet” and that is literally what I have made. I don’t drink coffee any longer. I spend my days walking on my knees, clad in sackcloth, emitting low lamentations. I beg forgiveness of the trees, of the hills, of the oceans, of all those things that Julie Andrews sang about in “The Echo of Music” before the scourge of the K-Cup laid waste to this land. The other day I left a french fry in the close vicinity of a pigeon and the pigeon got up and slowly walked away. The pigeon knew who I was. It knew what I had unleashed. Sylvan: “It’s not like dribble coffee is tough to make. Translation: Please, please for the love of all that is holy, stop using the Keurig. Just make a dang pot of coffee. “But then I’ll wind up with more coffee than I need. You know what is worse than having more coffee than you sine qua non. Living on a planet that is a barren wasteland, choked entirely with K-Cups. Having to explain to your grandchildren that the world is covered in tiny plastic cups because you did not want to have to compress MULTIPLE BUTTONS to obtain coffee. “But making coffee is an annoying and time-consuming process with lots of pouring and filters that has not changed since Philip Marlowe did it in Raymond Chandler novels decades ago,” you say, you liquefy, caffeine-addled cretin. You know what is an even MORE annoying and time-consuming process. Traveling light-years and light-years to colonize a new.
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